On the prowl in Monaco

One of them is my wife. I’m the other one.

We are sitting in the audience of SPICE, The Show.

Let me rephrase that, we are the audience of SPICE, The Show at Le Casino de Monte-Carlo and tonight’s burlesque performance is the Art of Seduction and Sensuality.

We look like desperates. That’s how we feel, anyway.

We arrived 30 minutes early to make sure we got good seats.

We paid our 100 euro ($137) entry fee and there we were front row and stage centre. Our first shock was that the room, which holds at least 100 people, was empty apart from the bar staff. Our second shock was when the bar staff handed over the drink menu.

The cheapest thing we could find was the 50 euro cocktail.

Don’t worry, I told my wife, the second drink is only 25 euros. We vowed to make our first drink last.

Mojitos in hand, we waited for the crowd. After all, the show had been billed as “an audacious new look at charm, in which the art of eroticism finds its most refined form of expression”.

Waiting for the crowd to arrive

That’s surely enough to draw a crowd anywhere in the world.

When the curtain came up, though, it was us and them.

My wife and I were sitting there like Ma and Pa Kettle watching eight gorgeous semi-naked young women and two buffed guys give us Fever.

I didn’t know where to look.

There were boobs and French knickers everywhere.

I’m not sure how a normal audience reacts, but we struggled to contain our laughter. We were embarrassed. We were also embarrassed for the dancers.

Burlesque is an art form. And these were world-class performers. It was a fantastic show but it just didn’t seem right to be putting on a peep show for an audience of two. But that they did and they did it with smiles on their faces. Well, so my wife said. I was looking elsewhere.

The first act went for 40 minutes. Just before it ended, two women walked in and were seated next to us. The room was empty but they were squeezed down next to us. They ordered one drink between them.

Then Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like A Woman cranked out over the speakers. Four topless cowgirls appeared (I knew they were cowgirls because they had hats, boots and whips) and that was our cue to ride off into the night. It had all become too much for us.

Money, money and more money

Monte Carlo is one of the world’s most beautiful cities, sandwiched between the ocean and the mountain. Everything in between oozes money.

It is like someone sent an email to the world’s wealthy people and told them that this was their sacred place and insisted they come and play.

This is where people flaunt their riches, hard-earned or otherwise.

That’s obvious from the moment you arrive. Our taxi pulled in to the congested driveway of the Hotel Hermitage at 11 o’clock on a Saturday night. We couldn’t get to the front door. We were sitting behind a Lamborghini and a Porsche.

The owners appeared minutes later. They were elegantly dressed men in their 60s with tall, much younger, blondes on their arms.

“That’s our revenge for how women treated us when we were in our 20s and 30s,” says Terry, an English ex-pat, who is enjoying his later years in Monte Carlo.

“Most men my age here don’t look at women over 35. And why would you? You are spoilt for choice beautiful women from all around the world come here looking for rich men. And they find them.

“We are wealthy, gregarious and suddenly attractive to the very same type of woman who ignored us when we were younger.”

Not really a compliment

Terry is with a group of six similarly aged, well-dressed, well-coiffured gents who all tell the same story. Ironically, there are no women with them.They tell me they are mates with the Prince (“I’m not bragging but I have been invited to the wedding. I don’t think I’ll go.”) and Terry says he is in the oil business. He says he’s been a managerial adviser to Mark Webber.

In fact, two of the chaps say the Aussie Grand Prix driver had a significant effect on their lives.

“Mark called us to the UK for an urgent meeting one Monday about four years ago. Both of us had been booked in to get the snip that day. We had to cancel the operation. We both have three-year-olds. Thanks, Mark.”

I know this is way too much information to share with someone you’ve just met, but it was happy hour at La Rascasse, a trendy bar inside the famous hairpin bend of the Formula One Grand Prix track. And happy hour here lasts from 5pm until 11pm.

A bunch of characters

These were larger-than-life characters, out for a good time. Cheeky. Irreverent. Bold. Some would call them old pervs. Perhaps that’s why my wife and I found them to be such good company. That was until Terry announced that “my wife had a nice rack, but she’s about 10 years too old for Monaco”. We left before she performed her own brand of surgery on him.

La Rascasse, Le Caberet (where SPICE is staged) and the Hotel Hermitage are all part of the SBM group, which also owns the famous Hotel de Paris Monte Carlo, where Tasmanian Errol Flynn had his eighth wedding reception.

We stayed in Room 307 of the Hotel Hermitage for four nights. The room had dual balconies that opened to reveal a spectacular view of the Mediterranean and GP race track below. Situated in the Midi wing, the room was decorated with absinthe and lavender hues.

The 100-year-old Belle Epoque palace is a listed historic monument.

This is the hotel where Aristotle Onassis used to meet in secret with Maria Callas during their affair. Prince Louis de Polignac lived all his life here.

The Hotel Hermitage is huge (400m from end to end). It has 280 bedrooms, including 20 suites, 15 junior suites and eight Diamond suites. Gustave Eiffel designed the dome of the Winter Garden.

Between 2002 and 2010 the hotel underwent renovations. One of the final things to be completed was Le Vistamar, a dining room that spills out on to the sun-bathed terrace.

You can almost taste the sea salt in the food.

Chef Joel Garault was awarded a Michelin star for this restaurant in February as a tribute to his use of local produce and seafood. The great thing is that it is not expensive, considering the quality of the dining experience. Le Vistamar offers a set-price lunch menu that includes two courses and a glass of wine for 39 euros.

If one Michelin star isn’t enough for you, there’s always Louis XV, Alain Ducasse’s Mediterranean stronghold in the Hotel de Paris Monte Carlo. This is the man who really deserves the title “master chef”. He has three Michelin stars for this restaurant and each is well deserved.

Need a drink? No worry. The cellar, between the Hotel de Paris and Hotel Hermitage has more than 350,000 bottles, some 4000 different wines and spirits. The cellar, known as Cave Centrale, covers 1500sq m. The great names are stored in the Chapel. That’s where you will find the Petrus 1945 and the Chateaux d’Yquem, of which the oldest bottle dates back to 1890.

No visit to Monte Carlo is complete without trying your luck in the Casino. But before you do, make sure you rub the knee of the Louis XIV equestrian statue in the foyer of the Hotel de Paris. Superstitious gamblers never enter the casino without doing this.

MONACO IN DETAIL

Monaco sees itself as competing with Abu Dhabi and Dubai for tourists the well-heeled traveller. High visitor numbers tend to come from France, Italy and the UK, although Russia is becoming a growing market.

Getting there 
Etihad flies to Paris from Abu Dhabi. See etihad.com

I caught a train from Paris to Monaco. For all your rail needs in Europe, see www.raileurope.com.au

Staying there 

The Hotel Hermitage is on Square Beaumarchais, MC 98000, Principaute de Monaco. See hotelhermitage montecarlo.com or email resort@sbm.mc

Films made in Monaco 
Iron Man 2
Goldeneye
The Red Shoes
To Catch a Thief